Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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