The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
