i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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