Swine flu. Run for my life!
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
