Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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