Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize