I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
