She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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