A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
