you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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