i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
