You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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