I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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