You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
