party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So much rum. So many feels.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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