hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
