How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
