Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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