also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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