I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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