it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
