even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dick very happy bro
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
