his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
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