Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
