Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
