mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
