i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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