im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
