Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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