Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
