I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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