I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
