She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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