I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I smell like Dick and happiness
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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