Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
