i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
