that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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