There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize