Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Sorry my hands just texted you
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
