when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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