At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it's great music for shaving your balls
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
