Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
