he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
