just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I am naked and annoyed.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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