No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
