If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
