I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
In other news, I just burned my penis
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
