Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
