someone threw a dead crab at me
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
