More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
