My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
