I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
