Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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