mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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