Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
